Cert Hearing Episode #2: The BBC Action

2017-08-15 00.16.54

So, there I sat, in another certification hearing for a 14 day involuntary hold. After reading off her routine medication list, I waited for my patient, to have her turn to speak. Sweet, tiny, little asian girl. In her 20s, blue-greenish hair, can’t recall how she got a black eye, poor insight and certainly forgets her limitations. Sadly for her, my patient was being kept on the basis of Grave Disability.

While I sat there, I thought about how delusional and bizarre she was. When she was first admitted, Holy mother of Jesus, she was a hot mess. A few times, we had to stop her from going into other patient rooms; wanting to attempt sexual behaviors on her male peers. I remember us having to tell her to keep her clothes on, while walking in the hallways. There were multiple occasions where she talked about winning the lottery, having 6 husbands, and showering 6+ times within an hour. The most disturbing part was the evening she smeared her own feces all over her toilet seat; stating “I was on my period and I was just trying to clean the toilet.”

Luckily for us, adding on to the case, she attempted to escape at the nurses station 15 minutes before her certification hearing. Hell, I didn’t even bother calling the doctor for IMs. She was so bizarre, delusional and psychotic that there was no way in hell I wanted her sedated for the it. She was also so tiny that if she were to get super rowdy, I could have just bowflexed her with one arm. Needless to say, I already knew we were going to win.

In my experience, the majority of the time my patients simply need to start talking, in order for us to justify the case. It was then her turn to speak. When asked, my patient began talking about where she would live, if she were to discharge soon. She stated that she was going to live with her “trailer park boys.” Apparently, she had plans to live under someone’s trailer, with a group of other guys. That didn’t bother us so much. She was calm, cooperative, collected, and presented well. Then, when asked about food, she talked about presenting bottles for 25 cents in pennies, which would then allow her to provide food and water for herself.

Unfortunately, after that, we lost her. She began going on a tangent; talking about cocaine, methamphetamine use, and other random stories about her recent past. She expressed fears of having to go back to her previous living situation; going into elaborate detail about performing fellatio on a BBC, just to spend one night at a trailer park. She further described her performance, with physical air gestures of blowing that guy’s penis. With both hands in the air, tongue out, smiled and stated “Ew, I couldn’t handle it. I tried my best though. I was a unicorn with 2 horns going up and down.” I was done. #SMH #LOL #ICAN’TEVEN.

I don’t mean to be insensitive, nor making fun of the matter, but I was dying of laughter inside. With a straight face, I looked over to my social worker, knowing that she was thinking the same thing.

Which leaves me with this concern…Who the hell is out there right now getting their nubs wet by psychotic, delusional biddies? #LOL #SAVAGES #SWIPELEFT.



Author: nursesarereal

My nursing professor once said that keeping a journal, over time, will allow me to see growth. In myself? I’m not sure yet. I’m hoping. I like to believe that nursing school saved my life. Maybe I’ll have some fun doing this. Cheers.

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